


Drunk Magic - Forsaken

by Triske_MTG



Series: Drunk Magic [2]
Category: Magic: The Gathering, Magic: The Gathering (Card Game)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Parody, Summary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:47:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21752497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Triske_MTG/pseuds/Triske_MTG
Summary: Drunk Magic. It's like Drunk History, but for Magic. *catchy instrumental jingle*A send-up of Forsaken, a novel that is very much so.
Series: Drunk Magic [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1567780
Comments: 10
Kudos: 53





	1. Part One

**DRAMATIS PERSONAE AND GUILDS OF RAVNICA**

These introduce you to the characters and major groups herein, in case you were attacked by this sequel in a dark alley face-hugger-style without having read the first one.

* * *

**CHAPTER ONE: EPILOGUE - KAYA**

Oh, we're doing it so the prologue is the epilogue, and the epilogue is the prologue, and the middle part is the still the middle part. For artistical reasons. That's coo. I can get behind that.

Kaya looks at Dack Fayden's corpse. _This makes me sad_ , Kaya thinks. Kaya looks at Teyo and Rat. _This makes me happy_ , Kaya thinks.

(The actual prose is decent - much more well-paced than War of the Spark - but subtle it is not.)

After experiencing this whirlwind of emotions, she stumbles across a quarreling Gatewatch. Because it is no longer the very end of a block, they are no longer effective.

"I say we bury Gids on Theros," Chandra whimpers, shedding a tear in remembrance of her favorite dong.

"And I say we bury Gids on keeping-the-Guildpact-together," Ajani grunts.

"That makes no sense," Jace interjects.

"Neither does suggesting that we renew our oaths, but I'm going to do that too, because I am a giant cat and you are not."

Kaya stares awkwardly.

_Good for them, but that has absolutely nothing to do with me. Wonder if there are any good sushi places on Ravnica. Did I leave the oven on before I left Vizkopa this morning? Hey, I bet if I Danny Phantomed my ribs I could lick my own- wait why is the third-person omniscient focused on me OH MY GODDESS I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING SOMETHING AREN'T I._

She steps forward, and raises a hand.

"Eh, why not. For the living, for the dead, and for my further involvement in the plot, I will keep watch."

Everyone claps. There is a parade for Gideon. A marching band plays his favorite song, It's Raining Men Who Are Manly, in a minor key. Niv-Mizzet swoops through the sky and lands in front of everyone.

"I am Guildpact," he says Guildpactily. "Remember what I said at the end of the last novel about sending Ral, Vraska, and Kaya to kill Tezzeret, Dovin Baan, and Liliana? I'm saying it again."

* * *

**CHAPTER TWO: LILIANA VESS**

Liliana Vess slogs through the morass of Caligo Forest, with only hella guilt to keep her company.

 _I wish I were dead_ , she thinks. This is ironic, because she has spent the last twelve real-world-years trying to very not die.

"Hey, I have death in me," says a large stankwater.

"Physical death, or the spiritual death-of-self that I need to dissociate from my horrible past and move on?"

"I think the kind that kills you."

"Eh, close enough," she says, and swan-dives in. This is still ironic. Greg Weisman wants to make sure you know that.

As she sinks to the bottom of the swamp, she sees a bright light.

 _God?_ she thinks. Is that you? _Are you finally here to punish me for the time I bought an orphanage and turned it into an orphan fight club?_

 _No,_ the light says. _I am more powerful than God. I am Gideon. Stop drowning yourself; I learned how to bounce my pecs to the rhythm of Macho Man while I was in heaven and I want to show off._

Liliana bursts out the water like a SeaWorld dolphin. But the light is not Gideon. It is the Shame Light, shaming shame down upon her.

Irony.

* * *

**CHAPTER THREE: TEYO VERANDA**

"Kill Dovin, Tezzeret, and Liliana," Niv-Mizzet says.

"We can't track down Dovin, Tezzeret, and Liliana," Vraska says, "so we're going to need to wait a few chapters until some contrived, just-so solution appears."

"Okay," Niv-Mizzet says.

* * *

**CHAPTER FOUR: JACE BELEREN**

"I want to kill Liliana," Chandra says, "because she did bad things."

"Please don't," Jace replies, "because she also did good things."

"Motion to table killage discussion after we bury Gideon," Ajani says.

The group grumbles in assent. Chandra, Jaya, Teferi, Karn, Ajani, Nissa, Huatli, and Saheeli planeswalk to Kaladesh. Having checked off his attendance list, Jace turns to Vraska.

"We had a date planned," she says.

"That's right, Captain. Tin Street. Coffee. A bookstore," Jace shouts over my audible squeals of delight.

They walk.

"Didn't we just pass Tin Street?"

"Yep-a-doodle-do."

"Where are we going?"

"My quarters," Vraska says.

"Ah."

"Do you have protection?" Vraska whispers into Jace's ear.

"From which color?"

* * *

**CHAPTER FIVE: LILIANA VESS**

A raven perches on a bough a few feet in front of Liliana. Then it flies to another tree. Its mate lands beside it. As Liliana keeps walking, the two ravens set off, only to find purchase in a snaggle-barked dead oak where two more ravens were nesting. Then another raven arrives, then another, then-

"You can come out, Raven Man," Liliana snarls. "It was pretty clear after the second raven."

"Hush," one of the ravens caws. "I haven't seen you since Dominaria and I've been practicing this the whole time you were gone."

The raven flaps down and turns into Raven Man. "Would you like to be controlled for dark and mysterious purposes?"

"No thanks."

"Well, I tried."

* * *

**CHAPTER SIX: RAT**

Rat is sad that her friends are planeswalkers who will surely abandon her. This is actually an interesting facet of the game's main conceit that we haven't seen explored enough. Boy, I sure hope we delve into that conflict, and not create a weird exception to a fundamental rule of our narrative to obviate it!

Teyo still thinks toilets are straight-up magic. He's also awkward around Rat because he's smitten. Dangit, boy, just man up and let her peg you.

Kaya's womanservant, Madame Blaise, struggles to see Rat. Silly servant! You're lower-class _and_ overwhelmed by characters who bend reality to their whims! Ha ha ha!

* * *

**CHAPTER SEVEN: TEZZERET**

"I'm home," Tezzeret says, stepping onto Esper, "and I have a gaggle of gargoyles. Plus a cute lil' homonculus."

"I'm marketable!" she squeaks.

Tezzeret flies off on his gargoyles, laughing half-maniacally, half-artifactiacally.

* * *

**CHAPTER EIGHT: RAL ZAREK**

Ral sloshes around in his bathtub, planning his ambush of Tezzeret with the Izzet League's most cunning and calculating rubber ducky.

Tomik peeks his head through the door. "Isn't that a bad idea? You're pretty much a human that was bitten by a radioactive toaster."

"A _very sexy_ toaster, by the Dune-Brood," Ral shoots back, stepping out of the bath. (Sidebar: Weisman peppered lots of "gods-be-damned" and "oh gods" throughout War of the Spark. In Forsaken, he uses unique curses and oaths for characters from different planes. It's a great improvement. Good job, Weisman!) "Sex?"

"No. Law."

"Sex."

"Law."

"Sex!"

"...Law-sex?"

" _Sexy sex_."

Tomik sighs. "Coming. In more ways than one."

Ral fist-pumps.

* * *

**CHAPTER NINE: RAT**

"We should kill Liliana," Kaya says, "because she still did bad things."

"We should not kill Liliana," Teyo says, "because she still did good things."

Hekara still can't see Rat.

That's sad.

* * *

**CHAPTER TEN: VRASKA**

Let's bang said she / Hot dang said he

Please ride me harder said he / Thinkin' 'bout murder said she

Don't be fussy said she / Your gorgussy said he

Let's go to Vryn said he / Let's bone again said she

While more suggestive than expected, this was a welcome pay-off for nearly two years of tension, development, and set-up; furthermore, it's wonderful that Wizards is willing to mature in its storytelling and portray happy couples rather than just string together fight scenes and will-they-won't-they romance - stories are about not only the conflicts we struggle with, but also what we aspire to, and I'm glad to see the writers be vulnerable enough to admit that deep down what most of us want is a healthy relationship with a little bit of hot sticky monster lovin' sprinkled in said she / Hold on, my rhyming dictionary is in the other room said he


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER ELEVEN: DOVIN BAAN**

Dovin Baan, in a moment of blind panic, planeswalks home to Kaladesh. We are told his "fearsome intellect" proceeds to kick in. We are not, however, shown what is fearsome about his intellect. It is entirely possible Dovin Baan's mind is just the WOMBO COMBO video on infinite loop. 

He posits there is an eleven percent chance that Bolas' plan failed. There is a ninety percent chance throwing around percentages like this is a dumb-as-donkey-taint way to pass off a character as smart.

Dovin further strains his fearsome intellect to conclude that since he is a fugitive hunted by people who know where he lives, he should probably be fearsomely intellectual somewhere else.

\----------

**CHAPTER TWELVE: RAT**

Rat slinks out of her stately Orzhov bedchamber, kisses a sleeping Teyo, and runs away to avoid the pain of having to say goodbye. She hides in a doorway on Tin Street, crumples to the ground, and cries.

No jokes or critique on this one. This chapter is to the point, emotive, and has a few nice liturgical flourishes. This is a good chapter. It deserves a headpat and a glittery smiley-face sticker.

\-----------

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN: CHANDRA**

Chandra, Jaya, Saheeli Rai, and Huatli search Dovin Baan's Kaladesh hideout for clues. They discover that he is... ***[adorable](https://i.imgur.com/0Rq0eHs.png)***.

\----------

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN: TEYO VERADA**

"Rat's gone," Kaya shouts at Teyo. "Go find her. Now."

"Yes mistress," Teyo says. "Please step on me."

"What?"

"NOTHING GOING BYE."

\-----------

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN: JACE BELEREN**

Jace, Kiora, Vraska, Tamiyo, Samut, Saheeli Rai, and Huatli meet on top of Bolas' citadel in preparation to planeswalk to Theros. Aurelia is there too.

Kiora declines to go to Theros, planeswalking to Zendikar instead.

Chandra, Nissa, Teferi, Karn, Ajani, and Jaya planeswalk in from Kaladesh.

Jace, Chandra, Nissa, Karn, Samut, Teferi, Ajani, Tamiyo, Saheeli, and Huatli planeswalk to Theros. Vraska, Aurelia, and Jaya stay on Ravnica.

Tezzeret is on Alara. Liliana is on Dominaria. Dovin Baan is unaccounted for.

Gideon is dead.

Commodore Guff is somewhere far, far away from all of this, in accordance with a restraining order filed against him several years ago by the Magic storyline.

\-----------

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN: TEYSA KARLOV**

Teysa Karlov sits in her chambers.

*Of course I'm sitting in my chambers*, she thinks, *I'm*-

Listen, you inbred mashup of a Sun Court princess and a scene queen, this is supposed to be a serious work of literature. If you're going to back-talk the third-person narration because you want some of those sweet Deadpool dollars, I will punt your gold-bedecked derriere into silver-border faster than you can say "squirrels".

*Eep*.

Now, where were we?

Tomik pokes his head through the door. "Miss Karlov, you have a two o' clock to convince me to betray Kaya."

"That time already? Send yourself in."

Tomik shuffles in. He is gay for wieners. This is the only acceptable type of gay.

"Could I convince you to betray Kaya?"

"No."

"Well, that settles that matter, then. Kindly close your door on the way out." 

As Tomik leaves, Lazav steps forth from the shadows. He is cloaked in mystery, and a cloak.

"You see now?" he says.

Teysa tilts her head. "See what?"

"I'm foreshadowing," he snarls. "I don't need to use specifics."

\-------------

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: TEYO**

Teyo goes to Gruul territory.

"Has anyone seen Rat?" he asks.

A pause. Some confused faces.

"Oh, yeah, invisible. Well, thanks."

\------------

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: CHANDRA NALAAR**

Chandra and the Gatewatch bury Gideon's armor on Theros.

Nissa RAISES A MIGHTY OAK over his armor's grave. It is a metaphor for a thumping great wing-wang, which all women love, straighttasticly.

"I wrote a poem," Huatli states. "I will read it."

She does. The poem is about Gideon's honkadonker. It rhymes.

The group thinks about Liliana. She did a bad thing, but then she did a good thing.

"Maybe she could do more good things," Nissa suggests.

The Gatewatch nods, because this is wise.

\---------

**CHAPTER NINTEEN: LILIANA VESS**

Liliana continues to rough it through Caligo. A sinking sensation sinks in her chest.

*What is that?* she thinks. *It's not hungry, or horny... is this one of those 'feelings' I've heard so much about? I don't like it. Can I murder it?*

***MURDER GOOD***, the voices in the Chain Veil say. 

"I should go to the ruins of my childhood home, lie down, and die," Liliana says, "because I am a slut for the aesthetic." Her aesthetic is having her autonomy removed by Greg Weisman.

"Syke!" her childhood home says. "I'm no longer ruins. I'm a fully upright mansion! I have a party in me at this very moment! It tickles!"

"The f-" Liliana starts before the chapter change cuts her off.

\-------

**CHAPTER TWENTY: KAYA**

The leaders of the ten guilds convene at the Senate House. They gather around the statue-corpse of Isperia. Someone has carved "WASH ME" into its side.

Vraska stands with her Erstwhile companion Storrev. Ral Zarek sits next to Chamberlain Maree. Exava represents Rakdos; Gan Shokta, Gruul; Aurelia, Boros; and Spearmaster Boruvo [Rat's godfather], Selesnya. Also in attendance are Jaya Ballard, Vivien Reid, the Wanderer, and the three-hundred-and-sixty-member entirety of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

"Vraska. Kaya. Zarek," Niv-Mizzet booms. "Do you agree to terminate your designated targets?"

As one, the three make a wiggly so-so hand gesture and go "Ehh...".

"Good enough," Niv-Mizzet snorts.

Aurelia arrives, sword in one hand, venti frappachino in the other. "Sorry I'm late. There was construction on the Dan Rakdos expressway, and I figured if I was going to be late I might as well grab coffee and OH MY ANGELS THERE IS ANOTHER ME HERE."

The other Aurelia morphs into Lazav. "I need to remind the audience I am a mysterious shapeshifter every seventh chapter, for foreshadowing reasons. There should be enough foreshadowing that it gets foredark and the reader needs a foreflashlight." 

Jaya clears her throat. "Before we start with the murdering, are we cross-our-hearts-and-hope-to-fry-sure Liliana *has* to be killed?"

The group groans, as if to say, *Not this again*.

"Not this again," Vorel grumbles, as if to say, *Not this again*.

([The actual novel](https://i.imgur.com/jblFMyc.png), for comparison. Mine has one more *Not this again* than Weisman's, so I win.)

"After all," Jaya says, "she did good things."

"She also did bad things," the rest of the hall shouts in unison.

"Ooh, good point. Didn't think of that one. Murder away."

"But how we will find them?" Kaya pouts. "They left no trace. We're still waiting for some contrived, just-so solution to appear."

Silence from the Senate floor. Vivien nudges the Wanderer awake. She scrambles for her script and thumbs to a page with a few lines highlighted.

"Spoken with certainty. Liliana is on Dominaria. Dramatic pause. I followed her."

"The last trace of Dovin Baan we found was on Kaladesh," Jaya nods. "Also, I'm going to spend two paragraphs explaining how I no longer have the quick-witted Sister Doing It For Herself personality fans fell in love with & is the reason I was brought back, and how I am now solely Chandra's Mentor, teaching her how to Control Her Powers for the twentyteenth time."

The Wanderers flips a page. "Turns to Ral Zarek. I can help you find Tezzeret by tracing his technology through the Blind Eternities. I have a history with him. Smiles mysteriously."

"I still have all the contracts of the Orzhov Syndicate weighing on me?" Kaya cuts in. "That will kill me if I planeswalk away? Has anyone given any thought to that?"

"I have!" Tomik pipes up. "You can law-magic the debts over to me and I can hold them for a while!"

"Oh, that's actually an interesting and in-character solution. Thanks, Tomik!"

"Now that the logistics are finalized," Niv-Mizzet proclaims, his voice echoing off marble tile, "let me make this clear to all three of you: ***We will require proof of kills.***"

Vraska scratches the back of her neck. "Of... course? That's how contract killing usually works? It's a receipt, but for murder."

"I usually put a little smiley face on mine to get better tips," Kaya adds. "Me and Vraska are both expert assassins, so we should already know this. Why do you feel the need to dragonsplain it to us?"

"***It is the end of the chapter and I want to sound cool okay?***"


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: TEYO VERMICELLI**

"I searched all of Rix Maadi to find Rat," Teyo pants, "and all I found were some jugglers, some knife throwers, and a woman who did something with a banana and a chainsaw that made my peepee tingle. Where could Rat be?"

This is usually the point where the guy goes "Of course!" and runs off to a secluded place that the woman mentioned earlier in passing as "where she goes when the world gets her down", proving he intimately knows the object of his affections.

Anyway, Teyo randomly bumps into Rat on the street.

\--------------------

**CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: TOMIK VRONA**

Ral smooches Tomik, and goes to find Tezzeret.

That's it. That's the chapter.

\---------------

**CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: VRASKA**

Vraska leaves Storrev in charge of the Golgari as she departs to hunt Dovin.

"Now remember, Storrev," she says, "the Golgari Swarm is a teeming, chittering tide of death incarnate, and its bedtime is six-thirty."

Storrev nods.

Vraska looks over to Jaya and Vivien. "Ready when you are."

"I call shotgun!" Vivien shouts.

\------------

**CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: RAT**

Tomik prepares Kaya to ritually transfer all outstanding Orzhov obligations to him.

"The first order of business is to put your hand into the bowl of ink, squeeze out one drop of blood, then take your hand out."

Kaya laughs. "Is the next step putting my hand back in and shaking it all about?"

"Of course not," Tomik snaps, with all the fierceness of a bunny rabbit. "This is a holy ritual older than Vizkopa itself. Now, I need you to do the funky chicken, and then sign here. But it has to be a *fancy* signature. With wiggles and everything." ([That last bit's real.](https://i.imgur.com/3666pIU.png) It's a nice touch. Very Orzhov.)

They complete the ritual.

"I feel... powerful?" Tomik says. "And I feel like I earned my grossly outsized wealth and position despite coming into it through family connections and slightly above-average skill? And I have the urge to get a shitty, slicked-back haircut? OH GOD HELP ME I'M TURNING INTO A REPUBLICAN GET THE HOLY WATER AND A COPY OF WHY NATIONS FAIL."

Kaya turns to Teyo and Rat. "Okay, now that I'm free, I can drop Teyo off at his daycare, then hop over to Dominaria and stab Liliana a little."

"I guess this is goodbye," Rat says, leaning in towards Teyo with her lips puckered.

"I guess so," Teyo agrees, feigning stoicism the best he can.

"It most certainly is," interrupts Jaya. "The current nature of the Multiverse forbids it. For Urza's sake, a major part of the Bolas saga was coating the Eternals in a crunchy candy coating to transport them across the Blind Eternities. To be fair, we were just introduced to Jiang Yanggu, so I don't think the audience would throw a hissy fit if the creative team introduced a planeswalker whose shtick was bringing a person with them when they planeswalked. But suddenly throwing that into the mix, especially for so little payoff, would be a major Vorthos turn-off. If 'the rules' were invalidated with each new story, it would discourage narrative involvement, in the same way rapid power creep would discourage investment in eternal formats. So I *really hope* this is goodbye."

"About that..." Kaya interrupts sheepishly.

\------------------

**CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: JACE**

Jace planeswalks directly into Vraska's chambers. He carries a dozen black roses, and a dusty book titled "A Treatise on the Origin of Smoochin' Honies".

Vraska is not in Vraska's chambers. Storrev is in Vraska's chambers.

"You could smooch me," Storrev suggests.

"Ew, no," Jace replies.

Storrev mentally stows this moment away for later discussion with his therapist.

"Can you tell me where Vraska is?"

"I cannot. I pinky-promised her my silence."

Jace threatens to steal Vraska's whereabouts from Storrev's mind, but decides not to, because he has undergone character development. He leaves, balls so blue that you could cast Cryptic Command off of them.

\---------

**CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: LILIANA VESS**

"Who could have done this?" Liliana snarls, looking at her reformed, un-desecrated mansion. "And do they take commissions?"

"Over here," says a wheezing crone, hiding in the brambles.

"Tell me!" Liliana shouts. "THEIR WORK ON THE CROWN MOLDING IS BOLD YET UNDERSTATED."

The old geezer leans in to whisper into Liliana's ear. "The person who rebuilt this house... is Liliana Vess."

"In a metaphorical way, like how the cycle of hatred and abuse rebuilds itself unless we consciously strive to end it?"

"No, literal. The Liliana is coming from inside the house."

DUN DUN DUN.

\----------------

**CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN: RAT**

Ratplaneswalksandallthewordsarestucktogetherlikethisanditcapturesthefeelingofrapidstreamofconsciousnessverywellbutisapaininthetuchustodecipher.

Rat, Kaya, Teyo, and Jaya Ballard blip onto Gobakhan; population, a tumbleweed, and three rocks that the tumbleweed claims as dependents for tax purposes.

Teyo's old companions from Gobakhan wander into frame. "HOLY CACTUS WE SAW YOU BURIED ALIVE UNDERNEATH AN AVALANCHE OF DIAMONDS. HOW ARE YOU NOT ELEVEN KINDS OF DEAD."

"Uh... Vick's VapoRub?"

\---------------

**CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: LILIANA VESS**

Liliana follows the ancient granny to the House of Vess' servant quarters.

"Keep your distance," Liliana says, "you got a speck of poor person on me in that last chapter. Now tell me everything about this Liliana Vess."

"I can't tell you everything," the octogenarian replies. "I'm wearing a gold collar that burns me if I speak against Liliana Vess. She's such a witch. Oops."

"Hey, gramgram," the collar says. "You're so old, your Oracle text mentions playing for ante. BOOM!"

"Ooh, adding that to my Amazon wishlist. Anyhoo," Liliana pushes, "how did she appear?"

"She appeared by appearing."

"Very helpful. Is she well-guarded?"

"Oh, yes," the decrepit biddy nods. "She has a poopton of zombie guards."

Liliana casts Detect Zombie Guards with a +8 bonus and advantage. She detects no zombie guards.

FURTHER DUN DUN DUN.

\---------------

**CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE: RAL ZAREK**

The Wanderer talks about her propensity to wander as if she were a main character and this were relevant to the plot. The Wanderer has a very good agent.

\--------------------

**CHAPTER THIRTY: VRASKA**

There is a scene where Vraska hides her face away to avoid scrutiny and prejudice on Kaladesh, but a young girl approaches Vraska and sees her face, and instead of being disgusted the girl is fascinated and says Vraska is pretty, and Vraska tells the girl that she's a queen, and the girl asks if Vraska is a queen can she be her princess, and it's just...

Bleeeep.

This scene. This goddamn tender motherfucking cockles-of-my-heart-warming son-of-a-bitch scene. This scene is why I debated with myself a dozen times about whether I should dunk on this novel.

Because this scene is legitimately great.

It does something new with a character. It takes a gorgon at home in the dark & dank and thrusts her into the sun. It takes a killer who's comfortable with the hardened & sinister and puts her next to a little girl. And not only does it do something new with a character, it does something new TO that character. Vraska's arc has always been about learning to love herself & be loved by others despite feeling monstrous within & without. But now she learns that she's not even monstrous - just a different kind of beautiful.

Is it a little 80's romantic comedy where the nerdy girl takes off her glasses and bam she's a fox? Sure. Is it indicative Weisman's habit in Forsaken to have female characters only grow or act when acted upon by an outside force, usually one with a wiener? You betcha. But it pulls at your heartstrings, and it's great.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

The whole book could've been like this. We could've had eighty-two chapters filled with warmth and emotion. Enough action and spellslinging to carry a fantasy novel, of course. But this scene makes it patently clear that Greg Weisman has a rich understanding of how to make a story beat work as you would expect a man of his resumé. That if you give him room to move around in and not just an avalanche of plot points, he can fill that space with art.

So what happened? Were the other parts of the novel executive-meddled to hell and back? Did Mr. Weisman simply not *try* for the rest of the book?

I honestly wish that this book were irredeemably garbage. If it were garbage, I wouldn't have these mixed emotions, and I wouldn't be stuck here longing for a masterpiece that's never coming.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

\------------

**CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE: DOVIN BAAN**

Dovin Baan is *still* hiding. Where is he hiding? Nobody knows. It's a secret. Try guessing. Nope, wrong. It's somewhere else. Somewhere secret. You won't BELIEVE how secret his hiding place is. People everywhere are talking about how secret this hideaway is! It's one of the top twenty-six secretest places to ever secret! Number eight is so secret it will make your brain EXPLODE out of your SKULL and SPLATTER EVERYWHERE and RUIN the TASTEFUL WALLPAPER you just put up!

THIS SECRET LOCATION WILL MAKE YOU CUM INSTANTLY, CLICK NOW TO PLAY


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO: TEYSA KARLOV**

"I call this meeting of the Committee to Unceremoniously Neutralize Tomik into order," Teysa says, banging a gavel that is made of gold and skulls and golden skulls and skullden goals. First order of business: Get matching tattoos with the name of our association on a plane with no known laser tattoo removal shops. Second order of business: Kill Tomik."

"Yes yes yes," her three indistinguishable co-conspirators whisper schemingly, hands steepled.

"And then one of us can take his place."

"Yes yes yes," they whisper schemingerly, hands steepled at a more intense angle.

"And I'll preemptively remove myself from consideration for guildmaster, to appeal to your egos."

"Yes yes yes," the co-conspirators whisper schemingestly, breaking every bone in their fingers to achieve the rare perfect ninety-degree hand-steepling.

"Well, that's all the items on the agenda. Huddle up for the group selfie; you can tag yourselves when I post it on Jacebook."

\---------

**CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE: CHANDRA NALAAR**

This chapter has been intentionally left plotless.

\----------

**CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR: KAYA DOESN'THAVEALASTNAME**

"Teyo!" Teyo's abbot shouts. "How dare you have self-esteem!"

"Sorry, sir," Teyo whimpers. "I promise it won't happen again."

Another acolyte squints, and points at the horizon. "Diamond storm on the horizon, cap'n!"

The abbot harrumphs. "Teyo, go to the diamond storm and it tell it you're unfit to lick my boots, but should still lick my boots because they're not magical self-licking boots."

"Yessir."

Kaya holds up a finger. "Wait a ghost-assassinatin' second. You're saying this plane HAS KILLER DIAMOND TORNADOES?"

"Yes, but it's a *dry* has-killer-diamond-tornadoes."

\-----------

**CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE: JACE BELEREN**

"Hey Lavinia, tell me where Vraska is, pretty please?"

"Yore-Tiller Christ, Beleren, if you need it that bad just buy a Fleshlight and duct tape a snake to it."

\-----------

**CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX: VRASKA**

Vraska sits on her throne. And then she wipes, flushes, and walks back to her throne room.

"The devkarin are revolting," Storrev gravely intones.

"And you're going to tell me that they're rioting, too, hyuk hyuk hyuk?"

"No, I was going to tell you that they're also disgusting. Any luck finding Dovin?"

"Not yet. He's skedaddled to some plane or another."

A lightbulb lights up over Vraska's head.

"Oh, and I meant to tell you, the Izzet installed some lightbulbs down here."

\-----------

**CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN: TEYO TICKETS TO VERADAISE**

There is a diamond storm. Teyo geometries very poorly, but then he sees Rat is in danger, and the power of love teaches him remedial trigonometry.

\--------------

**CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT: RAL ZAREK**

Ral Zarek and The Wanderer sojourn on Ixalan. The Wanderer has been here before, because she roams around, around, around. This is odd, given that the Immortal Sun was in place pre-Mending, and its removal happened so soon before the War of the Spark. It might be a plot hole, but if Weisman didn't double check, then I, the person NOT being paid to write a consistent novel, sure as hell ain't.

The Wanderer wears a gold mask, because this book is designed to inflict as much pain to me as humanly possible. I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE IS ACTUALLY ELSPETH I WILL FSCKING BURN THE ENTIRE STATE OF WASHINGTON TO THE GROUND

Ral comments that The Wanderer is probably really pretty underneath her mask, and The Wanderer snaps back with some real bell hooks shit that comes off as hollow considering every other female character in this novel is an inert wingwang koozie.

They go to Alara.

\----------

**CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE: TOMIK VRONA**

One of Teysa's co-conspirators walks into Tomik's office. He is a sexy vampire, and he leans over Tomik's desk, sexily.

Tomik looks up. "Excuse me, you're getting glitter on my desk."

"Hello. I'm come to seduce you and corrupt you until you give over control of the Orzhov."

"I see. I regret to inform you that I am as incorruptible as I am gay."

"And how gay is that?"

Tomik pricks his fingertip with a pen. Instead of blood, a tiny rainbow shoots out.

"Understood. Well, have a good day."

\---------

**CHAPTER FORTY: RAT**

"You must leave the monastery forever," Abbot Barrez says to Teyo. "Your spark makes you strong. It gave you the power to hypotenuse yourself to safety in the diamond storm that killed your family. I took you in and told you that you couldn't find the curvature of your own ass with a protractor to get rid of your guilt about not being able to save them. I have nothing more to teach you. Take this." He gives Teyo a calculator. It has all of the numbers, even the secret one between seven and eight.

Jaya is mistaken for Kaya. This is hilarious!

"Alright," Teyo calls to Kaya and Rat, "let's planeswalk to Dominaria to not kill Liliana Vess, because she did good things."

"Or, hot take," Kaya suggests, "we could planeswalk to Dominaria to field dress Liliana, because she did bad things."

"It seems we are at an impasse. Like an unstoppable force and an immovable object that wants to knife a ho."

\----------

**CHAPTER FORTY-ONE: VRASKA**

Vraska hunts Dovin Baan to the location that's been strip-teased to us over the last ten chapters. Ooh, I bet it's super clever. Maybe it's a plane we haven't seen in a while? Oh my nipples I bet it's Lorwyn. Dovin has established himself as king of the boggarts and alphabetized their collection of especially lumpy rocks. Aight, give it to me, Weisman daddy.

Vraska finally tracks down Dovin Baan on...

Ravnica?

Because it's the last place anyone would ever look?

DAMMIT WOMAN THE LAST PLACE ANYONE WOULD EVER LOOK IS LIKE THE SECOND PLACE YOU SHOULD CHECK.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO: CHANDRA NALAAR

"So," Jace says, recappingly, "we'll track down Exava, the bloodwitch who wants to flay my skin and turn it into a gimp mask, and I'll read her mind, because I have no qualms about reading nasty people's minds, and we'll use the information from her thoughts to find Vraska. Does that make sense?"

"No!" Chandra replies. "That's risky, and stupid, and it'll get you killed, and it makes the exact opposite of sense! It makes esnes!"  
"So that means you won't help?"

"No, it means I'm *definitely* going to help, and I'm going to post it to WorldStar."

They do that thing. They succeed. Greg Weisman writes macabre Rakdos bloodsport very well. ...Are you okay, Greg? Not trying to kinkshame, but we're here if you need help. 

Jace takes a deep breath. "The guilds sent Vraska to Kaladesh. To kill Dovin Baan. Wasn't I there when that happened? Whatever."

Chandra's cold heart, which has been noted as cold several times already in the book and probably should have put on a sweater before leaving the house today, is suddenly cooked at 350 for an hour. "If anyone should kill Baan, it's me."

"You're not a cold" - Jace turns to the camera and winks - "-blooded killer, Chandra."

"You're right, I'm not a killer. I just deal damage to people. State-based action 704.5g is what kills them."

"NOT WHAT I MEANT PLEASE STOP."

\-------

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE: TEZZERET

Tezzeret stands on the widow's walk of his tower, pausing to take a drink out of a mug of coffee labelled "WORLD'S NUMBER ONE HENCHCYBORG, BUT ONLY ON ACCOUNT OF BEING THE WORLD'S ONLY HENCHCYBORG, SERIOUSLY STEP UP YOUR GAME, LOVE NICKY B". As he watches Ral Zarek and The Wanderer approach, he wonders where Nicol Bolas even got the mug, because all the custom printing shops he researched while commissioning a retaliatory "WORLD'S SECOND-OKAYEST BOSS" mug had a strict twenty-five character limit.

"Fufufufu," he fufufufus to nobody in particular.

\-----------

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR: KAYA

Kaya, Teyo, and Rat land on Dominaria. (Tourism slogan: What Happens In Dominaria, Is Probably Urza's Fault.)

The trio heads to Liliana Vess' manor, where Rat leads them to the garden, and to a gaggle of servant women, servanting amongst the weeds.

Kaya turns to Rat and asks, "Why are we here?"

"Look at that last servant over there."

"Her? Not quite my type - I like 'em like I like my Arcades decks - but if I were a bit wine drunk, I *suppose*-"

"No, it's LILIANA VESS."

"So? My coochie doesn't care about the Geneva Conventions."

\------------

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE: TEYSA KARLOV

"I failed to seduce Tomik," Edward Von DracuStrahd from chapter thirty-nine moans as he sinks into one of Teysa's luxuriant plush chairs. "And vat's vorse, I've fallen in love with *him*! Is it possible ve haff entered a mirror vurld, vere *he* is the vampire, unt *I* am the human?"

"No," says Teysa. She is drinking mimosas from a beer helmet.

"UP EEZ DOWN UNT DOWN EEZ UP UNT TREES GROW ON LEAVES UNT ZE VOODS SHEET EEN BEARS!"

Teysa takes a long slurp of mimosa. *Note to self: Stop buying knockoff vampires from Alibaba. Shipping eats up most of the savings anyways.*

\------

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX: VRASKA

Vraska plays tiddlywinks with a young girl she helped rescue during the previous novel. Oh yes, continuity. Grind it into a fine powder and let me snort it out of a discount stripper's buttcrack.

"Queen Vraska!" a devkarin elf shouts as she throws open the throne room doors. "Come quickly!"

"I would love to, but it takes at least ten minutes, even if I'm good and ready."

"No, what I mean is Izoni used a killer spider to make an attempt on the unlife of Myczil Zunich!"

"Jarad's son? from the *Dissension* novel? My. If that were a deeper cut, it would hit bone."

"Indeed. We're arresting Izoni and putting Myczil in your protective custody, undercutting all opposition to your power. Hey, why do you have a receipt for a killer spider from Dovin Baan's Killer Spider Emporium sticking out of your pocket?"

"Tax purposes."

\-----------

FORTY-SEVEN: RAL ZAREK

As Ral Zarek and The Wanderer approach Tezzeret's tower, a flight of gargoyles gets in their way.

"Time for a fight scene," Ral says, lightning arcing between his hands as if they were poorly written lesbians.

"You wouldn't hit a gargoyle with glasses, would you?" one of the smaller stone figures squeaks.

"You're not wearing glasses."

"Fuck me sideways, my optometrist swore there were no downsides to LASIK."

\------

FORTY-EIGHT: TEYO VERADA

Kaya studies the blank-faced enslaved Liliana. "What? Why? HOW? My head is spinning. This makes too much damn esnes."

"I'll split up and search for clues!" Rat pipes up, unprompted.

"Hey," Teyo heys, "there's a collar around her neck. Maybe we should interact with it." Teyo attempts removes the collar from Lili's neck.

Lili attempts to remove the neck from Teyo's neck.

\---------

FORTY-NINE: JACE BELEREN

Jace walks into Vraska's chambers, finally running into Vraska.

"You're back," she says.

"I'm back," he replies.

"Enough Meisner repetitions. You're clearly upset about something."

"You forgot to feed my pet rock while I was gone and it went feral. Oh, and you kept secrets from me."

"To protect you! Wait, that sounds dumb. Pinky promise to never keep secrets from you again. Anyway, gotta prioritize the Golgari ahead of you. Toodles." She gives him a peck on the lips and planeswalks off.

Jace growls, pulls out his phone, and starts writing a text post for r/deadbedrooms.

\-------------

FIFTY: RAT

Rat sneaks inside of the mansion. She feels bad for the servants. Rat has a distinct voice and well-realized voice.

Rat finds Liliana Vess, who wears a choker inlaid with sapphire, the fourth-best Pokémon game. Rat also finds a copy of the The Fall Of The House Of Vess, which has a picture of Liliana Vess that looks exactly like Liliana Vess. Uh, Manor!Vess. Not StinkyServant!Vess.

Rat also also finds Nicol Bolas' Gem of... Beholding? Becoming? Believe In Life After Love-ing?

Manor!Vess taps a fork against her goblet, hushing the gathered partygoers. "Shareholders and board members of Cabal Enterprises LLC. As you know, our company suffered a major setback last year when our previous CEO Belzenlok was killed to death by yours truly. As your new CEO, I promise to crush the peasant classes, torment those who would stand against us, and replace our Employee Recognition Program with a monthly ritual where we take the worst-performing worker and beat them to death with a VHS copy of Glengarry Glenn Ross. Thank you."

The company's stock value rises thirty-six cents.

"Hey," Rat epiphanies, "Manor!Vess' zombies don't stink."

"Thank you," the zombies say, "we read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and created some S.M.A.R.T. goals for ourselves. We're glad other people notice the effort we're putting in." 

"No, I meant you're not foul-smelling. But good for you."

Acting on a hunch, Rat reaches out to touch a zombie, and it's an illusion! This sets off the glowy necklace. 

"After her!" Necklace!Vess shouts. Uh, Necklace!Vess is Manor!Vess, who is not StinkyServant!Vess. Presumably. There's nearly half a book left, shit still has room to get twisty.

Not one to pass up a two-for-five-finger deal, Rat also grabs the Gem of Beekeeping, in flagrant disregard of the five-second rule. It turns her visible! Shocker! She drops the gem and runs.

\------------

FIFTY-ONE: LILIANA VESS

You remember those episodes of Dragonball Z that were just characters building up strength and getting ready to strike a killer blow while other characters commented on the first set of characters building up strength and getting ready to strike a killer blow?

You remember how much those episodes dragged?

Now imagine if that were *text*.


	6. Chapter 6

FIFTY-TWO: DOVIN BAAN

Dovin Baan is unsurprised when Vraska slinks into his safe house and notifies him that his plan to neutralize Izoni went off without a hitch. It was hitchless. Not a single damn hitch in the tri-county area. Like if Will Smith stopped making movies after Shark Tale.

Equally unsurprising is his response: "Of course."

He goes on, speaking additional words that also unsurprise him. "Now, that was only your free one-week trial of the Dovin Schemy Plotty Evil Plan service. The full subscription comes bundled with HBO and the Golf Channel, and costs a measly not-murdering-me. Are you in, or are you in?"

Dovin lets silence fill the room, as he sees how long Vraska takes to respond to gauge whether she actually wants to murder him. He, of course, already knows that she will agree either way. God, I love Dovin Baan. He has so much chutzpah for a man whose head probably squeaks like a balloon if you rub it.

"Aye, a fine parley, shiver me yohohos. Hold on, I'm stuck in pirate, codeswitching is hard. I’m in. But Niv-Mizzet still ***REQUIRES PROOF OF KILLS BLAH BLAH I'M A JILLION YEARS OLD AND I CAN'T GET A STIFFY WITHOUT READING AN UNDERGRADUATE THESIS.***"

"Excellent Niv-Mizzet impression."

"Thanks, I practice in the mirror weekly. So, any solution?"

"Yes. Walk this way." Dovin Baan leads Vraska to his closet, which contains a veiled figure.

Vraska squeaks in delight. "I've always wanted to get gay married!"

Dovin smiles the extremely smiley smile only smiled by people who are not smiling on the inside. He takes off the veil to reveal a statue of himself.

"Ohhh. But that won't pass scrutiny, since I can't petrify blind people. I think. We never established hard and fast rules for my powers."

"Indeed. I made this statue weeks ago, before I was blinded. I'm only showing it to you to show, not tell, how far ahead I think. I have a back-up plan."

"Does *that* plan involve me getting gay married?"

"Woman, if you want to get gay married, you rent a venue and buy matching hers-and-hers swords on your own dime like everyone else does."

\----

FIFTY-THREE: KAYA

RAT used Tree Branch on LILIANA!

It's not very effective...

LILIANA fainted!

RAT gained 100 EXP!

TEYO gained 50 EXP from holding EXP SHARE!

TEYO hit LVL 3!

TEYO wants to learn KNOWS THINGS. However, TEYO already knows four moves. Forget a move to make room for KNOWS THINGS?  
>YES NO

CULTURE SHOCK > AUDIENCE STAND-IN  
DADDY ISSUES PUT THING IN MY BUTT

1, 2, 3, and...

POOF!

TEYO forgot AUDIENCE STAND-IN and learned KNOWS THINGS!

"Let's kill her now," Kaya snarls, "because she did bad things."

"But wait a second!" Teyo shouts. "She also did good things!"

"Bad things."

"Good things."

"Bad things."

"Good things."

"Good things."

"Bad things dammit you got me."

"But wait an additional second!" Rat additionally shouts. "Not only did Liliana do good things, there is a SECOND LILIANA!"

"Twice the bad things," Kaya frowns.

Rat catches the other two members of the three caballeros up on the events of chapter fifty.

On a completely unrelated note, I love the works of Terry Pratchett for reasons large and small. One of the small ones is when characters regroup, he simply writes "Nobby told the rest of the Watch what happened" and gets on with it, trusting that you are more intelligent than romaine lettuce and, should you be uncertain of the items involved in "what happened", you can use your functional thumbs to flip back ten pages to review this information because literature as a medium lets you do that.

This ends the completely unrelated note. Go in peace.

"You smell like djinn," Teyo says, sniffing Rat non-weirdly.

"How do you know what a djinn smells like?"

"A plausible excuse that doesn't involve me putting a lamp in my butt. We should free the servants trapped by the djinn's magic."

Kaya nods. "Yes, but - hot take incoming - we should kill Liliana first, because she did bad things."

"I have opinions on this," Liliana says.

"You're not allowed to have opinions. You slaughter innocents and torture puppies."

"I performed _enhanced interrogation_ on those labradoodles."

\---------------

CHAPTER FIDDY-FOUR: RAL ZAREK

Ral and The Wanderer make their careful way through Tezzeret's base. They discover a Multiversal Clock, which displays the time on every plane; namely, "TIME TO GET A WATCH DOHOHOHO".

The Multiversal Clock also shows when gargoyles will jump out of the clock to ambush Ral and The Wanderer.

That time is now.

What follows is a chapter long series of minibosses. I don't got no jokes, so I'd like to point out that it's *creative*. Ral uses thunder blasts as a Feather Fall. The Wanderer planeswalks away and back as a passible substitute for Nightcrawler bamfs. They fight homonculi, gargoyli, and spidersi. All in all, it coo.

Ral leans on a imposing iron door to catch his breath. "Tezzeret is behind this door, isn't he?"

The Wanderer nods.

"We should probably quicksave."

\---------

FIFTY-FIVE: LILIANA VESS

FLASHBACK!

Against the advice of the nonagenarian nonna from fifteen chapters ago, Liliana, with no plan or preparation -

Sidebar, can we take a moment to appreciate Liliana is the Magic's DUMBEST CHARACTER? Even the narration is calling her out. She has, at most, half a brain cell, and the Raven Man holds onto it to make sure she doesn't exchange it for a handful of magic beans.

\- marches into her old home, to confront this second "Liliana".

"You insolent wretch! You have nerve to stain my eyeballs with your presence uninvited, peasant!" Liliana shouts.

"'PHMSZNT'?" Liliana growls, pausing to swallow. "Sorry - I tried to fill up at the shrimp cocktail bar before confronting you, but you were walking away so I stuffed twelve shrimp in my mouth at once and kinda hoped everything would work out. Anyway, 'PEASANT'?"

Liliana summons two zombies, which Liliana attempts to control until she realizes they're illusions. Suddenly, blue smoke puffs out of Liliana's necklace and into Liliana's zombies, who grab Liliana.

Trust me, this is as just confusing for me.

Real!Liliana looks up at her tormentor, NotReal!Liliana. Over NotReal!her shoulder, Real!she sees ravens alighting onto the balcony, coalescing into the form of the Raven Man.

"Go on," Real!she spits at the Raven Man, "tell me I'm a stupid failure who should use the Chain Veil and let the demons consume me."

The Raven Man smiles. "I was actually going to say 'neener neener neener', but since you asked..."

FLASHBACK TO THE PRESENT!

Liliana realizes the ironic irony of her past situation.

FLASHBACK TO THE FLASHBACK!

The zombies collar Liliana.

*Safe*, she thinks. *I'm safe from the Raven Man now. Only at the cost of my personal free will. Which I wasn't using anyway, because only men can decide their fate. Self-determination is stored in the balls.*

Liliana asks Liliana to give Liliana Liliana's Spirit-Gem, but drops it when it strips away Liliana's Instagram filters and shows her to be an old lady.

"Bad magic stone," Liliana snaps. "No true-seeing inside the house! Do it outside! Bad! Bad!"

A young kor woman in a red velvet dress approaches Liliana. She is named Red Velvet by the text. Because what are women supposed to be identified by? Their personalities? Their desires? Their NAMES? Pshaw.

Red Velvet smiles and says to Liliana, "I'm going to exposit that I worked with an old lady who looked exactly like that old lady you just were for a brief moment, and I inventoried a mysterious lamp which included a large sapphire much like the one you're wearing, and I have a register that is the only proof of the existence of the lamp, and only I can access said register, and you're going to kill me now to hide the evidence aren't you?"

"Indeedily doodily."

FLASHBACK TO THE FLASHBACK TO THE PRESENT!

"I have a plan to take down this djinn," Kaya nods. "Multiball bonus, it also humiliates Liliana."

"I can't see Rat," Liliana says. "That never gets old."

\--------

FIFTY-SIX: TEYSA KARLOV

Tomik stomps into Teysa Karlov's office.

"You've already sent three subordinates to woo, cajol, and bribe me. What scheme are you scheming now?" he says, summoning the entirety of his power bottom energy, which comes out to roughly three teaspoons.

"Tea?" Teysa smiles.

"No," Tomik counters.

"Banana daiquiri."

"Also no."

"That wasn't a question. I accidentally made enough to serve twelve people and I only have the alcohol tolerance of eleven people."

"Stop trying to take the guild away from Kaya," Tomik says, as he learns there is no way to angrily drink a banana daiquiri.

"Why would I? Our current arrangement works well. She's off solving mysteries and rewriting histories and what not, drawing aggro as the figurehead leader. Meanwhile, you know how to run a ghostbank. You know how to run it WELL. And as I just proved, you are woo-, cajol-, and bribe-proof. Meanmeanwhilewhile, I can run interference in the background using my savvy and family name without holding any of the actual power that currently necessitates checking my Spaghetti-O's twice daily for tiny pasta assassins. It's the perfect plan."

"It's the perfect plan," Tomik whispers, his adorable scowl quickly defrosting.

It's... the perfect plan. It fits into each character's strength. It’s parceled out fast enough that it's A Twist but slowly enough that you can see the build-up on re-read. And, most importantly to Forsaken as a whole, it shows a woman in charge, working by her own rules, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Lazav's behind it never mind.

\------------

FIFTY-SEVEN: RAT

Rat and Kaya sneak into the mansion, using their respective magic powers. Liliana and Teyo also sneak in, using the mighty but subtle magic of the front door.

Fake!Liliana descends a large spiral staircase, humming strains of Jerry Herman. Her cougarvision instantly locks onto Teyo.

"What are you doing here, small, dork, and handsome?" she coos.

"My best," Teyo gulps.

"I'm... all alone here," Fake!Liliana smirks milfly, "and I could use some help tending to my vagi- garden. My garden. I don't suppose you're any good at taking orders? Doing hard, sweaty, diiirty work? Getting punished when you don't meet your mistress's EX-ACTING standards?"

"Oh don't stop I'm almost there," Teyo whimpers.

"Wow, a real yardwork enthusiast. I didn't even get to mention the BDSM stuff."

Rat yoinks the amulet from Fake!Liliana, because I have to stop the smut talk right there. Teyo is pure and childlike and I will not lewd him.

...On this account, anyway.

\--------------

FIFTY-EIGHT: RAL ZAREK

“Tezzeret,” The Wanderer scowls, “we meet at last.”

Tezzeret studies the nameless badass magic samurai who Has A Dark History but also Has No History, racking his brain to remember whose DeviantArt OC **DO NOT STEAL** she is. “And... who are you?”

“Tezzeret,” The Wanderer scowls, “we meet at first.”

A fight ensues. I recommend picturing it in your mind’s eye with Yakety Sax playing. A gargoyle cold-cocks (Can one ever be warm-cocked? Ew, that sounded awful the moment it left my head. Abandon ship. This wry wordplay never happened.) The Wanderer, whose limp body auto-planeswalks away. Ral shoots lightning at Tezzeret. Tezzeret shunts it through the Planar Portal in his belly. The two men fist fight, their scrotes flapping Homerically in the wind. Ral is scrappy, but Tezzeret is taller, buffer, and frame-perfect, and wins with a TKO in the third round. I, having bet two grand on Ral because he was A SURE THING, will now have to repay my debts by performing at a Yakuza boss’s birthday party as Hatsune Miku.

“Take my arm,” Tezzeret sneers.

“No! Not competitive ballroom dancing!” Ral coughs.

“I mean literally take my arm,” Tezzeret says as he detaches his etherium arm and shoves it Ral’s hands. “I have a closet full of them. Take it to Ravnica and use it as **I REQUIRE PROOF OF KILLS YADA YADA MY FANS ARE THE TARGET AUDIENCE FOR THE RICK AND MORTY D&D BOOK**-“

“Solid impression.”

“Thanks, I went to Julliard. If Niv-Mizzet is convinced I’m dead, I'll be able to dick around for two or three years until the Phyrexians get stale and Magic needs a new big bad. Now, toodles.” He planeswalks away, leaving Ral Zarek crumpled in the dirt, with no choice but to planeslimp (Weisman’s word, not mine, and it’s a clever touch on his part) back to Ravnica.

\---------

FIFTY-NINE: TEYO

Rat smashes the sapphire against the table as Teyo struggles to maintain a sphere that keeps the djinn in check. But the djinn lashes out, causing Teyo to falter, and it reforms - large, majestic, fierce, blue.

"ZAHID WILL HAVE VENGEANCE!" the spirit bellows. "ZAHID SMASH! ZAHID HUNGRY HUNGRY LIKE HIPPO!"

Wait, Zahid? As in the random bulk rare from Dominaria?

Ooh, dis gon be gud.

\------

SIXTY: TOMIK

Tomik walks into his apartment, expecting to find a triumphant Ral lying on their two-queens-sized bed encircled by rose petals, his diddler already harder than a control mirror from beating Tezzeret to death with it.

But Ral planeswalks to floor with a crash, and Tomik cradles him in his arms as Ral sobs deeply, heavily, his blood pooling in the cracks in the floorboards. Tomik despairs - until he sees Tezzeret's arm, a sign Ral has returned victorious! Tomik props Ral up in their bed, telling Ral how proud he is, while Ral can only manage a dead-eyed stare and the dramatic irony wells up and I just

DING!

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: MAKE TRISKE FEEL A HUMAN EMOTION


	7. Chapter 7

**SIXTY-ONE: LILIANA VESS**

Blue smoke billows and twists until it coalesces into a djinn, a being whose might is only matched by its Scrabble score.

"ZAHID WILL HAVE VENGEANCE!" the spirit bellows. "ZAHID KNOWS ZAHID SAID THAT TWO CHAPTERS AGO, BUT ZAHID RECEIVED A DECAF COFFEE THIS MORNING INSTANT OF THE HALF-CAF ZAHID ORDERED AND IT HAS THROWN ZAHID OFF ALL DAY AND ZAHID IS BEING EXTRA CAREFUL NOW!"

Just then, a weird rat girl throws Bolas' Spirit-Anal-Bead at Lili, who instinctively catches it. She recoils to see the spirit of Bolas before her.

 _I'm not the spirit of Bolas,_ the spirit of Bolas hisses. _Note the different horns._

 _No shame in getting a horn tuck,_ Liliana thinks at him. _Who was your surgeon? It looks totes natural._

_This is why I avoid talking to humans. I am Ugin, Trademark Pending._

_We're at chapter sixty-one and your name hasn't been mentioned yet; not even as coy foreshadowing. Why are you only popping up now?_

_I'm late,_ Ugin think-replies. _Traffic was a you._

 _What do you want from me?_ Liliana demands, thinking of the many who've manipulated her before. The spirits of the Chain Veil. The Raven Man. Nicol Bolas. The T-shirt that promised to show her how to keep an idiot busy.

_Only to give you the opportunity to choose to be your true self._

_But I gave up on my dreams of competitive kitten-drowning YEARS ago._

_I meant becoming a good person._

_Who would believe my true self is a good person?_

_Gideon Jura, perhaps._

Liliana nods. _His hard-on points my way, even from beyond death._

"ZAHID FEELS ZAHID HAS BEEN MORE THAN GENEROUS WITH ZAHID'S TIME BY WAITING WHILE YOU STARE AT A ROCK FOR TWO MINUTES! ZAHID ASKS YOU SHOW THE SAME PATIENCE WHILE ZAHID HAS VENGEANCE! ZAHID WILL START WITH THIS YOUNG MONK!"

*I have to save that boy,* Liliana thinks. *He talked Kaya out of killing me. His bravery reminds me so much of Gideon. I have to save that small, dickless Gideon!*

And what happened then? Well, in Caligo, they say, that Liliana's small heart grew ZeroDivisionError: integer division or modulo by zero

* * *

**SIXTY-TWO: KAYA**

"ZAHID WILL HAVE VENGEANCE! VENGEANCE ON YOU ALL! ZAHID RECENTLY READ 'THE SECRET' AND THE IDEA OF SPEAKING ZAHID'S DESIRES INTO EXISTENCE APPEALED TO ZAHID! APOLOGIES IF ZAHID IS OVERDOING IT, BUT ZAHID DESIRES VENGEANCE!" The djinn lunges at Teyo.

_"Not by the hairs of my chinny chin chin!"_

Everybody in the room turns towards to Liliana and blinks.

"I decided to do a heel-ankle turn, like, ten seconds ago," Liliana huffs, fumbling to put on the Chain Veil. "Not a lot of time to brainstorm punchy dialogue. Now, put down the boy, and nobody gets hurt. Except Jace, emotionally, later, under unrelated circumstances." She fires a barrage of spirits from the Veil, who instinctively form a Hands Across America to prevent Zahid from reaching Teyo. Then they surround the djinn, encircle him, other words for ring-around-the-rosie him, until the djinn begins screaming.

Kaya moves toward Liliana - a movement that would be blocked/sketched and then performed/animated and end up looking dramatic if this were a script - calling out, "What are you doing? The djinn wasn't in pain and then you did a thing and then he WAS in pain and I don't understand causation!"

Liliana's reply was cold as a midnight crypt.

Wait, I've BEEN in a crypt. And it wasn't cold at all. Sure, it was August, at 4:00 PM, but crypts are sealed off so time of day and year shouldn't affect the temperature much?

It was definitely damp, though. But somehow a dry damp? Like someone dumped sand in a humidifier.

Oops, getting off track. A quick edit here, here, and here, and...

Liliana's reply was cold as Megan, the girl that befriended me and flirted a little and invited me over to her house so she could pelt me with a water balloon and knock me out of our high school's yearly seniors-only game of Assassins.

There. Much colder.

"I'm doing what every necromancer is born to do. I am draining the life force from my enemy."

Kaya coughs and shuffles a little closer to Lili. "Liliana, do you... have you ever been in the same room as a dictionary?"

"Yes, I've been to places where they sell marijuana several times."

"I tried."

"Please stop killing the djinn," Teyo shouts. "It has feelings too. I assume. I don't know much about djinns."

"Do you hear the boy, Zahid? Whining the whine of tiny men? We offer you freedom, as long as you leave Caligo, its people, and us alone."

"ZAHID AGREES," Zahid nods in much pain, "WITH ONE EXCEPTION. I WANT LILIANA VESS."

Liliana exhales softly, walking towards Zahid with head bowed. "Very well. For the first time in my life - which is a damn long time - I accept that my actions might have consequences, and hope to earn some sliver of redemption through deat-"

"I AM LILIANA VESS!" Fake!Liliana banshees, with little prodding.

"Whelp not letting an opportunity go to waste she's all yours Shazam."

"ZAHID WILL FINALLY HAVE HIS VENGEANCE!" the djinn shouts, lifting Fake!Liliana off the floor and carrying her away. "YOU WILL BE PUNISHED FOR USING MY POWER TO CREATE ZANY MUSICAL NUMBERS FOR EVIL INSTEAD OF GOOD!"

The House of Vess is quiet as a crypt at any time of day for a few seconds.

"This seems pretty early to reach the denouement," Rat offers.

* * *

**SIXTY-THREE: CHANDRA NALAAR**

Chandra planeswalked back to Ravnica, where the plot is. She sits on a block of marble, trying, if such a thing is possible, to cleanse her soul. And wondering whether her four-issue comic run fits in before or after this novel.

"Chandra!" Jace shouts. "I'm ready to have a turn in this novel as a fully realized character who affects the main conflict."

"Today is not your day," Chandra sighs.

FLASHBACK TO LIFE, BACK TO REALITY!

Chandra is sleeping in a bar, by herself, after closing. It's supposed to look pathetic, but, c'mon. I do it all the time! Do _I_ look pathetic?

...

...

Please stop answering. Your words wound me.

"Wake up, you bisexual disaster of a George Foreman grill," a voice says.

Chandra opens one crusty eye - *ew* - to see the voice is attached to a Vraska.

"Asgasglkh," Chandra groans.

"Good to see you too. Dovin Baan is on Regatha."

"How do you know? Where on Regatha? Are his nipples blue or pink?"

"All good questions. I will answer them by lying. Now let's go."

SMALL ACCEPTABLE TIMESKIP THAT ALLOWS US TO GET TO THE ACTION!

They approach Dovin Baan's safe house on Regatha. Large neon signs point the way.

"This could be a trap," Chandra says.

"Aren't you a red mage?" Vraska asks.

"Whoops, I accidentally grabbed a second dimension on the way here. I'll put it back."

Chandra breaks into Dovin Baan's house as if she were the Kool-Aid Man, or Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball, or the Kool-Aid Man naked on a wrecking ball HORRIBLE WRITING DECISION I CAN'T STOP SEEING IT SOMEONE POUR BLEACH INTO MY EYES.

"I've been waiting for you," Dovin Baan flatly states. "I engineered this trap to teach you a lesson: No matter where you hunt me, I can always planeswalk away, and you will never win. Also, womanwhogetsathopterthrowninherfaesayswhat."

"Wha-" DONK.

"Sorry!" the thopter squeaks.

"Have you learned your lesson?" Dovin smiles eyelessly. Smles.

"The only lesson I've learned is YOUR FACE!" Chandra shoots a fireball. Vraska chops off Dovin's hand. Chandra shoots a fireballier fireball, incinerating DoviNOT MY BOY HOW DARE YOU CHANDRA.

Chandra hesitates. _I did it. I killed Baan. So why don't I feel better? Another reference to the pyromancer being a **COLD**-blooded killer, finish your drink. Maybe I should be learning something about the hollowness of revenge._

_Nah, learning is for chumps._

* * *

**SIXTY-FOUR: RAT**

"Alright," Kaya exasperates, "can we kill Liliana NOW? She's done thirty-six bad things since we decided to kill her for doing bad things."

"Thirty-seven bad things," Liliana notes. "My DVR is taping the Mariners game without express permission of Major League Baseball."

"Someone invented Major League Baseball in this multiverse?"

"Thirty-eight bad things."

"Don't kill her!" Rat squeals. "You shouldn't kill her because-"

HOLY MOVING PICTURES ON VINYL WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FLASHBACKS? DID SOMEONE GIVE TEFERI CRYSTAL METH AGAIN?

Rat holds the Spirit-Kidney-Stone.

 _Twerp,_ it intones, _toss me to Liliana before you get any more David Copperfield on me. Also, she can be a good person. Probably. There's not much room for downward trajectory._

Rat yeets the Egg to Liliana.

BACK, BACK TO THE FUTURE, MARTY

"-because I have a feeling." Rat avoids mentioning the talking egg because it would sound outlandish, especially following such a down-to-earth genie fight.

Kaya tosses her daggers away. "Works for me!"

* * *

SIXTY-FIVE: JACE

Jace and Chandra planeswalk to Dominaria. Jaya tags along to be adult supervision.

"Hi!" the local townspeople say, "we're just about burn Liliana's corpse at the stake!"

"That can't be Liliana," Jace murmurs. "That pyre isn't telling me I'm worthless and putting out a cigarette on me."

He rushes over and rifles through the corpse's pockets. "Aw yiss, free lint. Also, there's no Chain Veil, so it isn't Liliana."

"The ineffectual twink took it!" the townspeople smile.

Jace turns to Chandra, somber-eyed. "Liliana would never let a twink take the Chain Veil. Even an effectual one. She must really... be... dead."

Chandra breaks into sobs. "I just... can't... take another loss. Not today."

Jaya sits down, dabbing at her eyes with her cloak. "I... picked the wrong day to leave my emergency confetti at home."

* * *

GET YOUR KICKS, ON CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX: ANA IORA

Ana Iora checks into the Shitty McShit Inn Of Sucktastic Donkey Scote Sweat (Formerly A Days Inn) on Fiora. She rings a bell that brings forth a goblin bellhop.

Ana looks down at the gobbo. "Give me whichever room isn't an active crime scene."

"The room used for filmin' woman-on-goldfish German dungeon porn, 'kay. You gots luggage?"

"Neither literally nor metaphorically," Ana says. *Not a Spirit-Gem or a Chain Veil to my name. Which is Ana Iora.*

She thinks about why she picked the name Ana Iora. Ana, her childhood nickname, to symbolize rebirth. Iora, because she is married to the ghost of Gideon's tallywacker.

This is going to be a Big Radical Twist Thing I won't like, isn't it?

I SWEAR TO GOD IF THERE IS ONE MORE FLASHBACK I WILL BREAK THIS BOOK'S KNEECAPS.

She remembered ravens coalescing on the House of Vess' eaves, making her antsy.

"I was hired to kill Liliana Vess," Kaya states coolly.

"You already killed *a* Liliana Vess," Rat pipes in.

Liliana stares at Rat. "That is the dumbest thing I've heard all day and I can hear my own thoughts."

"We could use the Chain Veil as proof of kill," Teyo suggests.

"But I don't want to," Liliana snaps. "That's why I have the Veil. Because I like it. There's definitely no curse that binds it to me and threatens to consume my soul and has been one of my major character motivations."

*Don't be a fool,* the ravens caw. *Well, be less of a fool.*

"Maybe you should hold it up and see if it sparks joy," Rat suggests.

The Spirit-Oval kaboomificates, startling Liliana into dropping the Chain Veil. She looks down at the tattered mess. "Well that didn't need eight years of build-up."

*You win this round, Liliana Vess,* the ravens squawk as they fly away. *Somehow.*

"Now, Liliana," Kaya smiles, "have you considered the Witness Protection Program?"

FLASHNOW

Liliana reflects on the day's events. This quirky band of OCs somehow redeemed her, succeeding where Gideon and Jace and Chandra had failed.

Somewhere on Zendikar, Nissa feels offended but doesn't know why.

Liliana spots a raven in a tree, but it flies off, because not every raven is a metaphor.

Most are. Just not this one.

* * *

**SIXTY SEVEN: TEYO**

Teyo, Kaya, and Rat planeswalk back to Ravnica. Blaise, the Orzhov servantess from half a book ago, still can't see Rat! She VERY cannot see Rat! Just like nearly every other character, but Blaise is a straight-up GOLD MEDALIST at not seeing Rat!

Teyo walks into Rat's bedroom, intent on celebrating their victory by smooching her strap-on. Instead, he finds Blaise.

"We'll make it work," he shrugs, assuming the position.

"Mistress Rat left this piece of paper for you," Blaise says.

_Dear Teyo,_

_Toodles for a little while. Don't put any stuff up your butt while I'm gone._

Teyo has an idea, but thinks better of it. Normal papercuts are bad enough.

* * *

SIXTY-EIGHT: ATKOS TARR

Atkos Tarr is a Dimir vampire.

Atkos Tarr is good at killin'.

Atkos Tarr is gonna kill a mofo tonight.

* * *

SIXTY-NINE: NICE.

Tomik officially puts into place the plan Teysa Karlov explained earlier.

That's it. That's the chapter.

* * *

SEVENTY: VRASKA

The statue-corpse of Isperia still looms over the Azorius Senate House where Niv-Mizzet has called a meeting of the guilds, because it's heavy and if it's a such a bother to you why don't YOU move it, huh?

Niv-Mizzet reigns as roastmaster, flanked by Aurelia and Lavinia. Hekara replaces Exava as the Rakdos representative because Exava is in time-out for being shown up by Jace and Chandra. Kaya, Teyo, Tomik, Teysa, and the Triumvirate of Teysa's nasty subordinates are also there. Vorel and Vannifar represent the Simic, Borborygmos and Gan Shoka are the Gruul envoys, Maree and Ral stand for the Izzet, Ral's head is shaved, I wear a black veil to mourn Ral's hair, Boruvo and Emmara cover the Selesnya, Chandra is there, Chandra is there, the first Chandra is Lazav who just wanted to feel pretty, and it was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and

Kaya steps into the Azorius Verity Circle, brandishing the Chain Veil. "I killed the woman known as Liliana Vess, and offer this Chain Veil as proof."

"Very good," Niv-Mizzet snorts. "Now, would you step out of the Verity Circle and into the No-Fiddly-Technicalities-Or-Loopholes Circle?"

"...HEY LOOK IT'S VRASKA'S TURN."

Vraska strides into the circle, waving Dovin Baan's hand. "Dovin's hand says hi."

"That's Dovin Baan's hand," Lavinia assents as she performs her is-this-Dovin-Baan's-hand spell.

"Are you happy?" Vraska says, staring down Niv-Mizzet.

"No," the Firemind intones, "but that's mostly due to personal issues."


	8. Chapter 8

**SEVENTY-ONE: DOVIN BAAN**

Dovin sits in his safehouse, silently masturbating to IKEA bookcase assembly instructions. Vraska cut off one of his hands, so he must choke Chicken Smurf with his off-hand.

His thopters merrily whizz about constructing a new mechanical hand. They are unionized, with great benefits. One wears a tiny hard hat.

Dovin mentally compiles code for his latest project: A magical-mechanical interface to see through his thopters' optics. Heck yeah, we're getting the most metal planeswalker ever.

He thinks back to the Dovin Baan Chandra killed on Kaladesh. It was expensive CGI.

He notes a minute increase in the room's temperature. After a tense second where he detects no heartbeat, no errant breath, he attributes it to poor insulation and devises a method for regulating his domicile's heat transfer. BEST. PLANES. WALKER.

The thought of efficiency makes him smile.

And puts him in the mood for Round Two.

* * *

**SEVENTY-TWO: RAL ZAREK**

Ral steps into the Verity Circle.

"I failed to kill Tezzeret. He was too l33t haxxors for me."

The peanut gallery is too shocked to gasp.

"This means, of course," Niv-Mizzet growls, "I must withhold your glittery 'GREAT JOB!' sticker."

* * *

**SEVENTY-THREE: CHANDRA NALAAR**

When I started reading this chapter, it seemed pretty normal - Chandra going to Zendikar to talk with Nissa. Chandra hoping that Nissa's earthiness will ground her, will help her sort out her feelings. But when I reached the point where they talked, I blacked out! Next thing I knew, I woke up to find I'd torn out a page and shredded it? And I had nothing on but purple shorts? Weird.

Anyway, everything after that's bittersweet? Looks like Chandra and Nissa broke up, from context. Sad but not out of character for either. Hope whatever was on that missing page wasn't nuanced, tender, and the novel's emotional climax - on par with the highest-caliber writing from Ixalan and Origins - but irredeemably stained by one gooseshit paragraph.

That would suck.

* * *

**SEVENTY-FOUR: JACE BELEREN**

Jace checks Vraska's quarters to see if she is there.

"She is not," Storrev says. "And please stop trying to send her dick pics telepathically. You have horrible aim."

* * *

**SEVENTY-FIVE: VRASKA DOGORGONSJUSTNOTHAVELASTNAMES?**

Vraska steps into Dovin's safehouse to find the handsless corpse of-

NOT MY BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

* * *

SEVENTY-SIX: RAT

Rat happy. Rat had good day. Blaise cannot see Rat. Hahaha.

* * *

SEVENTY-SEVEN: BLAISE

Blaise tucks Teyo and Rat into bed and gives them good-night kisses, leaving them snug as two bugs in a rug doing drugs from a mug.

_Master Teyo and Mistress Araithia are so charming together. Gimme that good shipping shit. Inject it into my veins._

She exits the Orzhov cathedral carrying a bowl of sugar. After walking a good half-mile, she ducks into an abandoned alleyway. Her fingers stroking the sugar bowl, she casts a minor spell, and the sugar bowl becomes... Dovin Baan's hand? She casts a less-minor spell on herself, becoming a Rakdos demon. And finally, she casts an approaching-major spell, turning herself into...

Lazav.

I'm going to pour myself a glass of whiskey, as a pre-emptive defense mechanism.

Lazav contemplates the life of Araithia "Rat" Shokta, the girl only visible to her mother, her godfather, Teyo, Kaya, and Lazav. Lazav, of course, had known about Rat since her birth, and quickly determined to exploit her condition.

Lazav also contemplates a quick reference to Nicky Drayden's Uncharted Realms stories, reinforcing his character and strengthening both works.

He mentored her and tutored her for years, always wiping her memory to avoid arousing suspicions. And as she grew, he started pretending he couldn't see her, to train her to be on her toes. So all the hubbub about Blaise not seeing Rat... was foreshadowing that Blaise COULD see Rat.

Switching to higher-proof whiskey.

And with all this training, Lazav molded Rat. Sculpted Rat. _Transformed_ Rat. Into... Atkos Tarr.

Whiskey with a liiiiittle splash of antifreeze.

He smiles, feeling silly about the name he bequeathed her. He chose that name because it was easy for young Rat to remember. Because it's more-or-less "Rat Shokta" reversed.

I should be pissy about this one too, but I didn't catch it until the book spelled it out, so that makes it feel... valid? idk. Proceed, trainwreck.

So Lazav sent Atkos Tarr to kill Dovin Baan. (Every step of the plan is laid out, in overwhelming detail.) And nobody figured out that Atkos Tarr was Rat, not even Rat herself, because Atkos Tarr is a male vampire, and Rat is a female human.

Antifreeze with a liiiiittle splash of whiskey.

* * *

**SEVENTY-EIGHT: RAL ZAREK**

Maree calls an Izzet conference.

“This conference is the roast of Ral Zarek,” she says. “Ral Zarek’s mama is so fat, he is unable to protect us from interplanar threats and should resign as guildmaster.”

Ral steps up to the mic. "Maree is so ugly, I'm going to call a vote of no confidence on myself and thump Maree with a leatherbound copy of Robert's Rules of Order."

"That doesn't seem very OOF! OUCH! WHY IS THIS BOOK SO THOROUGH?"

The vote fails. Ral remains guildmaster.

“That was soul-testing,” Ral says. “At least now I can go home to Tomik for fuckies."

There is a note at home.

_Dear Ral,_

_No fuckies :(_

_\- Tomik_

* * *

**SEVENTY-NINE: TEZZERET**

Tezzeret planeswalks into a small room furnished only with two pleather chairs and a full-length mirror. The Wanderer walks out of the mirror.

"Is that one of your powers?" Tezzeret asks.

"If we never say what my powers are, *everything* is my powers," The Wanderer replies. She pulls a quarter out of Tezzeret's ear.

"So now we flash back and see how you subtly sabotaged Ral Zarek, right? That seems to be the structure of the novel's three main plotlines."

"Nope." The Wanderer pays her morph cost and becomes Lazav. "Now we discuss taking over Ravnica."

"Yes," Tezzeret grins. He knows in his literal-lack-of-a-heart that since it was cool when Bolas did it a few months ago, it will be equally cool when Tezzeret does it in a year. That's just math.

"We've gained control of the Izzet," Lazav smiles, alluding to some thing that maybe happened last chapter? I don't know? I'm not even going to flip back and look, I'm that done with this book. "I also gained a foothold into the Orzhov through their leadership kerfuffle. Furthermore, I have proof that Vraska did not kill Dovin Baan, which we will slap her upside the head with when the time is right."

"Excellent," Tezzeret smiles, transforming into a second Lazav.

The chairs cackle in agreement, slowly morphing into third and fourth copies of Lazav.

On the next page, there's... a mirror? Just a mirror. A mirror with your reflection in it OH MY GOD YOU'RE LAZAV TOO. EVERYONE IS LAZAV. LAZAV WILL CONQUER THE MULTIVERSE UNLESS WE PRAY TO THE ONE TRUE GOD. SAVE US MISTER BEAN.

Also, the Dimir infiltrated the Simic off-screen? That would've been an interesting read.

* * *

**EIGHTY: ANA IORA**

Ana Iora wakes up, desperate to remember her name, which is Ana Iora. She sidles down to the communal bathroom. This is... definitely not Liliana's kind of place.

_But maybe it can be Ana's kind of place._

Ana Iora splashes some water on her face. It is cold. And brown. And... chunky? Oh whatever god Liliana worships (herself?) those are rat scrotums.

_If this is Ana's kind of place, Ana is a shoe-in for Academy Award for Dumbest Bitch In A Supporting Role._

Frustrated by everything ever, Ana Iora waffles on whether she should ditch her Witless Protection Program detail and planeswalk to freedom. She also crepes on it for good measure. But in the end, she discovers she lacks the self-determination to act, because Ana Iora has even fewer penises than Liliana Vess.

The Not-So-Greatwatch arrives.

"I care about you guys more than the Gatewatch," Ana says.

"You spent nearly five years with the Gatewatch, and only met us today," Teyo responds, perplexed.

"Yes, but that's what the script says I say."

* * *

**EIGHTY-ONE: JACE BELEREN**

Vraska and Jace lie in bed, post-coitally. Each of Vraska's snakehairs smokes its own little cigarette.

"And that's how I backstabbed and manipulated to get what I want but still failed because I'm an idiot," Vraska recaps.

Jace turns onto his side away from her. "I definitely have a type," he mutters. "Will you come to Vryn with me?" Silence. "I mean, since I regained my memories, I think it's time we started laying down plot hooks for upcoming sets. And I want to that with the woman I love." D'awww.

"Mm-hmm." Vraska says 'Mm-hmm'. Those are the words inked onto the page before me. Kill me. Feed me to a hippopotamus. Feet-first, so I can feel something again.

"I can't," she follows up. "I have to choose the Swarm over you."

Jace pulls the covers over himself. _Vraska and I, we..._

Don't do this to me, Greg Weisman.

Don't.

_...We aren't going to make at as a couple._

You weevilfuckerrrrrrrr.

But they have one last goodbye bone, so there's that.

* * *

**PROLOGUE.**

**IT'S JUST A PAGE THAT SAYS "PROLOGUE" IN BIG LETTERS.**

**IS THIS GOING TO BE SOME ZENO'S PARADOX SHIT LIKE THE STAIRCASE IN SUPER MARIO 64 WHERE THE BOOK SLOWS DOWN TO A WORD A PAGE AND NEVER ENDS AND THE MUSIC'S PITCH KEEPS ESCALATING?**

**BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A FITTING PUNISHMENT FOR ALL THE SINS I'VE ACCRUED ON THIS EARTH, BUT IT WOULD ALSO BE A POOR READING EXPERIENCE AND I WOULD HAVE TO LOWER MY GOODREADS RATING OF THIS NOVEL APPROPRIATELY.**

* * *

**EIGHTY-TWO: KAYA**

The four protagonists of Magic's story sit in the breakfast nook of the Fioran inn.

While Jace, Karn, Chandra, and Gideon's corpse enjoy their meal, Liliana, Kaya, Rat and Teyo sit a couple tables over.

Liliana nibbles at slice of toast. "Too crunchy for my tastes."

"That's the cockroaches," Rat notes.

"Could definitely use less cockroaches," Liliana nods.

Kaya notices how Liliana - whoops, _Ana_ \- is maintaining focus on Rat and working on her active listening skills. She was Liliana, who was bad. Now she is Ana, who is good. Shades of gray are for pussies.

She vaguely recalls taking some sort of oath at the start of the book, but that didn't affect anything, so she thinks about how this crew of misfits taught her how to love.

She stands up. "There's a situation I've been avoiding for months. Nicol Bolas was supposed to assist me, but that's... clearly not happening. So it's time I faced my problem head-on. With my friends. Make sure you all get some rest tonight, because tomorrow, we planeswalk to my homeworld: Lorwyn."

Everyone gasps.

"Sorry, I should clarify: different Lorwyn, no relation. The multiverse is infinite and sometimes names get re-used. You have no emotional attachment to this plane."

**THE END.**

**TO BE CONTINUED IN BOOK THREE! RAVINCA: RISE OF-**

**WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "THERE ISN'T A THIRD BOOK, GREG WEISMAN JUST UP AND LEFT THE CANON A MESS"?**

**THIS SUCKS 0/1 EGG TOKENS.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For my Drunk Magic review of War of the Spark, I finished with a list of things I liked about the book, to balance out both the jabs I made and the general Magic community's unhappiness regarding the novel.
> 
> I am not doing that for Forsaken. 
> 
> But still, Forsaken is a genuine attempt at creating art and interacting with Magic fans. It deserves an equally genuine attempt at criticism not couched in dong jokes. With that in mind, here are some of my guesses on why disaster happened, and how it could have been avoided.
> 
> \- The next Magic arc needs to begin with the end in mind. 2019 was the year of large media entities going "Oh shit, we can't just throw a Great Creative Mind into a shark pit and expect him" - it's ALWAYS a him - "to emerge with a perfect replica of Michelangelo's David made of shark guts? We need a PLAN for our multi-million dollar franchises?" J.J. Abrams and Star Wars. D&D and Game Of Thrones. Greg Weisman and Magic: the Gathering. Forsaken, at least to my story-sniffer, smells like the second book in a trilogy, the nadir before The Return Of The King And/Or Jedi. All the main arcs end on low notes, but not irreversible, Shakespearean-pile-of-corpses low notes. A major revelation about a main character occurs, without any room to explore the consequences. An entire plane is introduced in the literal last sentence, for fuck's sake. My theory is Greg Weisman was originally contracted to write three novels, but at some point an uppity-up thumbed through a draft of Forsaken, said "wait WHAT," and killed the third novel. When there's a clear outline and everyone understands the plan from the start, shit like that don't happen.
> 
> \- Don't trust in the unfettered creative power of Great Men. Another fault in the "let's throw the Great Man who made the Good Thing in the shark pit" strategy is that it disregards that Great Men don't create art in a vacuum. (It's cramped, and there are too many dust bunnies.) Compare the Original Star Wars Trilogy, edited by George Lucas's wife, with the Prequel Trilogy, not. My second unfounded speculation is Wizards gave Greg Weisman too long a leash in writing these novels. Weisman was seriously "let me write a third of all new-walker deaths ever in the span of two books, and let me do them off-screen", and someone (I'm assuming Nic Kelman out of blind hatred) was "lol k". Mark Rosewater taught us restrictions breed creativity. I don't think Forsaken would've been worse for the addition of a few extra restrictions.
> 
> \- Sensitivity writers. By Urza's superdickery, this book needed sensitivity writers.


End file.
